Christmas Needs a Makeover
What kind of individuals would centre an entire day around an ageing Icelandic Tomato Man who lives with hundreds of social delinquents dressed in leprechaun suits? In an igloo! Saint Nicholas my foot! You’ll need three pairs of underpants to survive those arctic temperatures.
I think Christmas needs a makeover.
All across the globe, a massacre of bird life results. Our beaked friends are stuffed and de-feathered to the max, slow-roasted in fiery ovens and then eventually splayed out on tinseled tables surrounded by debaucherous drunkards ready to devour them. Do I even need to mention the sorry life of a stuffing. Hmm, better to be the stuffing or the stuffee? Hmm. This annual ritual is nothing short of a taxidermists’ eating frenzy.
That’s right folks, animal abuse is not the kind of gift one should be giving to your loved ones at this time of year. Presents should be minimal and subtle. From this sentiment, the ultimate shopping experience results. Hordes of crazed shoppers pounce upon unsuspecting mall clerks searching and interrogating for the perfect gift. Defeat is not an option. The trick to conquering the Christmas Rush is simple. Make like a hippie and spend your year weaving different grasses and flowers into various pieces of jewellery and paper stationery. What could be more festive?
Back to festive phenomena - mince pies. Hundreds of little pastries filled with black sticky goo, dusted with white powder (the friendly sort) and then laid into little plastic cases (coffins of doom more like it). What kind of lunacy is that? What’s a mince pie without the cow?
Finally, a mystery of note - the phenomenon of mistletoe. Since when did love have anything to do with Christmas? What is up with this poisonous plant being an aphrodisiac? Hmm, let’s stand under the poisonous, flesh-eating mistletoe (or is it holly? I don’t even know – it could be lavender for all we know) and canoodle directly under it so that its spores can inhabit our skin and give us ghastly rashes. Mmm, that’ll get you going…
To the evil torturer who created Christmas - I say scrap it and get the dates, celebrities and foods right you monkey!